Monday, March 17, 2008

And the inner beauty....

When you kill a person you kill a dream or maybe dreams of all those you are connected to him. isnt it a blasphemous thing to do? Asked samavartha sir in class….now the thought struck me and I did some thinking. Like it happens in evry other class of his. He says something which is food for thought and I think about it always.
I read a couple of weeks back about transsexuality, about hw gunjal turned to gazal. I found the idea a revolution in the field of science. I even liked the piece, the basic reason being I thought it was great information. The reasons are at least ‘the week’ didn’t do into deep medical aspects which would be beyond my comprehension nor did they make it melodramatic by adding too much of human touch(this reminds me of the series of articles I read about manjunath, the computer engineer who got paralysed working in the US and how they took care of him for five years and now he is back to India and how TOI is collecting funds for him…)u know sometimes newspapers don’t realize how they make someone’s agony look fake by making it sooo melodramatic…and what I couldn’t believe was that manjunath covered page 1, page 2, page 3 and also page 5 in just an issue!!…trust me ive never seen so many articles of the same story in a newspaper…..the truth is that I have been an avid fan of newspapers since I was a child. Earlier we didn’t get English newspaper at home wen I was small. Then as I grew up I started reading English newspapers. A point came when I read papers only to improve my vocabulary and now finally I read them for information. I also like to criticize the way other high profiled reporters have written in big papers coz I think they don’t remember the basics and maybe I could write the same piece in a much better way……’I could write in a much better way’ is an important statement to me you know…the reasons are clear. I have grown up to believe im better than others. Even when I didn’t do very well in school ppl said I was very bright, even when I debated like a coward they said I was great and even when my writing sucked they said I am one of the best. Now when an individual grows up like this he believes that he is superior to others, and well, likes to ignore the fact that he sucks even when he can see others are brilliant and he has no choice but to accept it…but I still don’t regret the fact that I grew like that. when I joined college it all came as a blow on my face. I realized there is a world that exists beyond mine. People are more intelligent, more artistic and much much better than I can be…it took me a long time to recover my injuries caused due to the truth I was facing..even now sometimes I doubt myself, let me say only very occasionally, coz a long time has passed. I have realized, felt miserable and disgusted with myself, overcome the trauma and now regained my confidence. I don’t care how better others are than me coz that the natural feeling of being superior is still somewhere within me. I think I can manage my emotions pretty well. I am a little more tolerant than many can be. And since my EQ is higher than the normal beings, I feel like a champion. (atleast I think it is!!)
Now returning back to what I was saying I liked the story of gunjal to gazal unlike many of my friends who thot the piece was nothing great. For me reading a magazine has also become a fantasy. Im trying to watch movies these days. Just to improve my knowledge about things. Now I kno that’s a the crappiest reason to watch a film but ya its like that with me.

The outer beauty...

There are so many things which I think are of so much of a significance when others think it is a total waste of time. Like painting my nails. I guess its an important thing coz I think only nail paint can make my hands look beautiful. As far as my beauty goes I am always very particular you know. I apply all the make up in the world every day!!..(this is one of the reason y I come late to college every day!!) well, the truth is that I have always felt that im not beautiful.. I have my reasons to believe so…I have a dark complexion. Since my childhood I have a fantasy for fair skin. A woman with a fair skin looks good even without make up on. Everything suits her complexion. People admire her more and morever she feels good about herself u know..but with me things have been different..ive always wanted fair skin…I like big eyes and that’s the reason I think I have small ones. And I have a fat nose…it not as fat as it is sounding actually!! But u kno I like a sharp nose and thin lips but mine are broad. Even my cheeks are so plump..and my hair….oh I like long thick hair but mine are thin and short and bad..!!so basically I think I need make up to make myself look the way I like to look. Even though from childhood I have heard ‘you kno black is beauty’…n …’my baby is looking so beautiful’…but all these beautiful words always reflect back from my ears. I don’t believe in everyone’s words. I listen to evry one who says im beautiful and charming but believe in none..(this reminds me of a beautician who told me ‘you are so beautiful…why do u tie your hair’ tat day for a brief moment I felt on top of the world….only a brief moment….it all came to an end the moment I saw other girls at the food court) see every one wants to make me feel happy and loved...but wat I fail to explain each one is that I don’t feel miserable for the way im nor do I have complex with those who are beautiful ….i just wish I looked better than I means a lot to me!!...i sometimes wonder how I turn out to be like this when all my family members are so beautiful..both my sisters look beautiful and mom’s like a doll, then wat has gone wrong with me?
When all these thoughts come to my mind I suddenly come to think of how trivial my grievances are….i always think of the society and its problems. I think I am a contradiction within myself. When I can think of my own beauty so intensely how will I ever be able to imagine the woman’s agony whose face has been an acid attacked?